The phrase “What’s with the attitude?” was directed at my daughter as she tried to make sense of being accused of something she had not done.

One could describe her response as having an attitude. Or one could describe it as a1 5-year-old expressing her authentic self while grappling with something that felt unjust which is shaped by unconscious bias rather than fact.

“Girls haveto be good.”
“Don’t be rude.”
“Don’t be too loud.”
But also: “Express yourself.”

These are just some of the contradictory messages girls and women receive every day.

I am not sharing this to blame or point fingers. I am as caught in my own biases as anyone else, and attending to them is an ongoing responsibility. Deepening awareness is never finished work.

As parents, leaders, teachers, coaches and mentors, an important question emerges: how do we support young people to remain authentic, grounded in their values and ethical compass, while navigating a world that often asks them to fit into prescribed ways of being?

If we are honest, most of us know that none of us truly fit in. We are far more unique than we usually allow ourselves to be. But that is perhaps a reflection for another time.

That evening, my immediate question was simpler and more personal: how do I help my daughter navigate this moment with authenticity, dignity and equanimity, without taking the journey away from her?

What we focused on was creating space. Space for her to become more aware of her own values and moral compass. Space to celebrate her energy and conviction to standup for herself and others. And space to clarify her field of responsibility, what is hers to own, and what is not.

I don’t need to solve this for her. My hope is simply to support her in finding her own way of being and acting in alignment with herself, with clear boundaries and enough resilience to return responsibility where it belongs.

This experience also turned the mirror back towards me.

It reminded me of how subtly unconscious bias weaves itself into everyday life through assumptions. Assuming I should know the answer. Assuming my view is right. Assuming my values are universal. Assuming, quite often, that I am wrong. (You can see how easily this becomes a muddle.)

At its heart, this reflection comes back to two core practices; awareness and responsibility.

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Awareness of:

• Our own biases, assumption and beliefs
• Other people’s and systemic biases
• Our personal values and ethical compass

All ofthese require ongoing reflection and attention.

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Responsibility for

• Our own way of being and doing in the world

• Not giving away our power or responsibility
• Reducing assumptions, cultivating generative dialogue, and attending to the quality of our attention and intention

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Supporting the next generation and ourselves does not mean removing discomfort or smoothing the path. It means helping people build the inner capacity to meet complexity with integrity, clarity and self-trust.

When we do this, “attitude” can be re-seen not as something to be corrected, but as information, an invitation to listen more deeply to what is emerging beneath the surface.

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